LaTaviya Goldstein-Martinez's Blog

Cop Out is evidence that less Kevin Smith is more

2010-02-26T12:36:00.001-07:00

When I first saw the trailer for Cop Out, I thought it was a parody from 30 Rock. I was almost certain it was a reference to the fictional Tracy Jordan movie Black Cop White Cop. It was only when I saw that Tracy Morgan was billed by his real name that I accepted the fact it was a real movie starring Morgan and Bruce Willis and directed by Kevin Smith.

Read the rest at http://trashwire.com/2010/02/26/cop-out-is-evidence-that-less-kevin-smith-is-more/

Shutter Island a hit for dynamic duo Scorsese and DiCaprio

2010-02-19T14:58:00.000-07:00

Shutter Island is reminiscent of classic film noir with it’s investigation plot line and hard-boiled detective lead, but contains enough plot twists and turns to keep today’s audiences enthralled with its mental gymnastics. The psychological thriller also serves as proof that Martin Scorsese and Leonardo DiCaprio are a winning team.

Read the rest at trashwire.com
http://trashwire.com/2010/02/19/shutter-island-another-hit-for-dynamic-duo-scorsese-and-dicaprio/

Youth in Revolt not so revolutionary

2010-01-12T11:30:00.001-07:00

Youth in Revolt might not be in 3D, the cast might not be filled with the biggest stars in Hollywood and it might not be playing at all the huge multiplexes in your town, but it’s sure to draw in a few Michael Cera fans looking for a Juno-like comedy with a quirky indie feel.

The film, adapted from C.D. Payne’s Youth in Revolt: The Journals of Nick Twisp, stars Cera as a teenage nerd who falls hard for smart and mature Sheeni Saunders (Portia Doubleday) and invents a bad-boy alter ego, François Dillinger, in a plot to lose his virginity to Sheeni. Cera plays both Nick and François with the only real differences between the two being blue contacts and a barely-there moustache.

Don’t get me wrong, I love Cera, but he always seems to play the same lovable nerd who eventually ends up with the girl when she realizes the hot arrogant guy isn’t right for her. Thankfully, the character of François changes up that formula with over-the-top rebellious crimes and an overall disappointment in his other self. He’s exactly the kind of hero a nerdy teenager would invent for himself, puffing on a cigarette and tossing a slick comment at his female target, and Cera manages to play him simultaneously campy and with his own trademark brand of subtlety. My only gripe with the character is that he is introduced too late and would have been able to hold audiences better if he’d entered the plot sooner.

While Cera manages to entertain as François, the rest of the brilliantly funny cast seems underutilized. Zach Galifianakis, one of the best comedians of our time, plays Nick’s mom’s boyfriend, but is only in a few scenes and doesn’t get the chance to unleash his hilarious brand of weirdness. Steve Buscemi, Ray Liotta, and Justin Long are equally underutilized in their small roles, though they do bring comedy in the few scenes they are in.

Read the rest at trashwire.com at http://trashwire.com/2010/01/12/youth-in-revolt-not-so-revolutionary/

Youth in Revolt not so revolutionary

2010-01-12T11:30:00.000-07:00

The Ricky Gervais Guide To... The Future is a must-have

2010-01-10T11:18:00.001-07:00

After years of world-record-setting podcasts and best-selling audiobooks, Ricky Gervais, Stephen Merchant and Karl Pilkington have returned with a brand new entry in their “Guide To…” series, “The Ricky Gervais Guide To… The Future”. Though it’s hard to top their previous “Guide To… Law and Order”, delving into the realm of the future offers countless opportunities for Pilkington to muse on such things as internet-connected computer chips implanted in the brain, a new strategy for winning on quiz shows, and the evolution of the little finger. Thankfully, Gervais and Merchant are there to take the piss out of everything Pilkington says.

For newbies to the series, Gervais and Merchant are the creators and writers of the original version of The Office and HBO’s brilliant showbiz comedy Extras. Before they were huge, award-winning stars, they had a radio show in the U.K. and Pilkington was assigned to them to be their producer. Soon they discovered the wealth of comedy that was Pilkington’s idiocy and some of the funniest radio in history was born. The trio continued their show into the realm of podcasting, where they had the most downloaded podcast of all time, as certified by the Guinness Book of World Records. Eventually, they realized how much money could be made from this enormous hit and began releasing audiobooks for sale in the iTunes store. Their “Guide To…” series has covered such topics as medicine, the arts, society and others areas that have allowed Pilkington to ramble on nonsense as Gervais and Merchant try not to die laughing.

Read the rest on Trashwire.com at http://trashwire.com/2010/01/08/the-ricky-gervais-guide-to-the-future-is-a-must-have/

5 reasons 2009 can suck it

2009-12-31T11:07:00.001-07:00

Today’s the last day of 2009 and I, for one, can’t wait until it’s over. Aside from the bad economy, 2009 also brought us such unwelcome gifts as Balloon Boy, H1N1, Kanye’s VMA outburst, and celebrity deaths by the truckload. While some people are writing lists about their favorite moments of the year, I’ve compiled a list of reasons why I’m looking forward to saying sayonara to 2009. So, without further delay, I bring you… 5 reasons 2009 can suck it.

5. Lamar Odom marries Khloe Kardashian:
After becoming a stand out on a championship team, Odom made headlines of another variety when he met and quickly married a Kardashian. The scandalous union seemed like one of the biggest publicity stunts of the year, but it worked, making both household names and propelling the duo to a whole new level of fame. The Keeping Up with the Kardashians wedding special sealed the deal for unadulterated overexposure.

4. The rise of the non-celebrity
Whether it’s Balloon Boy, Octomom or the Gosselins, 2009 marked the year the meek inherited the world of entertainment. Every tabloid magazine or entertainment news show seemed to be filled with random people who had managed to squeeze every last drop out of their 15 minutes of fame. If you’re like me, you were left wondering where all the actors, singers, and actual talented people were.

3. The never-ending healthcare quagmire
Death panels? Public options? Pre-existing conditions? This year healthcare was all the rage as the government sought to make sense of the ridiculous predicament insurance companies and the American people had gotten themselves into. Each day, things got more confusing as compromises were made and the whole thing started to spin out of control. Some have argued that it’s all been a way to take our minds off the war, and that might be true, but the real question is, how can I get a job on one of those death panels?

2. Sarah Palin writes a best-seller
It’s questionable that Palin has ever read a book, but this year she published Going Rogue: An American Life, which became hugely popular with people who liked her kooky antics. Sadly, the book wasn’t just pictures of her holding shotguns standing over dead moose carcasses. As if we needed to hear any more nonsense from this vacuous media whore!

1. The death of the King of Pop
Michael Jackson’s death was a true tragedy that devastated his fans all over the world. After the initial sadness, there was the media storm and subsequent exploitation (I’m looking at you Jermaine!) of everything MJ from This Is It to the countless products baring an image of the late great superstar. The worst part of it all is that the death of such a significant and talented person left a void that the media filled with hordes of non-celebrities from Speidi to the kids from Jersey Shore.

Avatar raises the bar for visual effects

2009-12-30T11:01:00.001-07:00

I remember seeing Jurassic Park as a kid and feeling absolutely sure that it was the biggest movie ever. There was no way any computer would ever be able to build something more realistic than the stunning dinosaurs in that film. Of course, then came Titanic and Lord of the Rings and with each film, it seems the standard for visual excellence becomes higher. Now there’s James Cameron’s Avatar, which will certainly go down in history as one of the greatest cinematic accomplishments of the decade if not the century.

Read the rest at http://trashwire.com/2009/12/29/avatar-raises-the-bar-for-visual-effects/

it's A Very Sunny Christmas

2009-12-22T11:47:00.000-07:00

It’s a Very Sunny Christmas

If one of your favorite holiday traditions involves throwing rocks at trains then It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia: A Very Sunny Christmas might be just the Christmas special for you. The special, exclusively on DVD and Blu-ray, brings the same TV-MA humor that Sunny fans love to the holiday season as Mac, Charlie, Dennis, Sweet Dee and Frank relive their favorite Christmas traditions and try to understand the Christmas spirit.

Read the rest at http://trashwire.com/2009/12/21/its-a-very-sunny-christmas/

New Moon is no Romeo + Juliet but it's still teenage fun

2009-12-10T12:59:00.000-07:00

You might find this hard to believe because I’m such a classy, dignified lady, but I was once a giggling teen with a major crush on a young Leonardo DiCaprio. Like so many girls (and some guys) of my generation, I was convinced that there was no greater heartthrob than Leo. Today, it seems the hottie du jour is everyone’s favorite sparkly vampire, Robert Pattinson.

Read the rest at http://trashwire.com/2009/12/09/new-moon/

Whatever, Martha! sharp, funny and incredibly amusing

2009-12-02T21:09:00.001-07:00

Whatever, Martha! sharp, funny and incredibly amusing

Whatever, Martha! sharp, funny and amusingWhen someone asks me what my favorite show is, I usually say South Park, 30 Rock or It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. While I do love those shows, there are a whole slew of other great shows, buried in the nether regions of deep cable, that I TiVo religiously but typically forget about when compiling a list of faves. FLN’s Whatever, Martha! definitely falls into that category.

Read the rest on trashwire.com
http://trashwire.com/2009/12/02/whatever-martha-sharp-funny-and-incredibly-amusing

J.J. Abrams' Star Trek comes to DVD and Blu-ray

2009-11-16T12:05:00.001-07:00

J.J. Abrams’ Star Trek comes to DVD and Blu-ray

There’s no doubt that J.J. Abrams’ Star Trek was one of the biggest movies of the summer. The epic prequel hits stores Tuesday on DVD and Blu-ray, loaded with special features and extras that are sure to please diehard Trekkers and new fans alike.

Read the rest at Trashwire.com
http://trashwire.com/2009/11/16/j-j-abrams-star-trek-comes-to-dvd-and-blu-ray/

'This Is It' spectacular and bittersweet

2009-10-28T17:54:00.000-06:00

'This Is It' spectacular and bittersweet

It’s understandable that Michael Jackson’s This Is It has become a controversial issue among fans. The film showcases Jackson’s indescribable talent and creative vision, cementing his status as the most amazing entertainer of all time, but will leave audiences with a bittersweet feeling in light of his untimely death.

Read the rest at trashwire.com

http://trashwire.com/2009/10/28/this-is-it-spectacular-and-bittersweet/

South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut comes to Blu-ray with new commentary track

2009-10-14T14:58:00.000-06:00

About a decade ago, I walked into the Circuit City in Boulder, Colorado to buy my very first DVD, South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut. Yesterday felt like a déjà vu as I went to Best Buy in Denver to buy my first ever Blu-ray, which just so happened to be the exact same movie.

Sure, no one’s been holding their breath to see South Park’s construction paper animation in glorious high definition and it’s doubtful that anyone needs 5.1 Dolby Digital surround sound to fully enjoy “Uncle Fucker”, but the disc contains one thing that’s sure to make fans of Trey Parker and Matt Stone rejoice: a brand new commentary track.

Read the rest at http://trashwire.com/2009/10/14/southpark-bluray/

Chris Rock's new doc 'Good Hair' both hilarious and insightful

2009-10-13T15:12:00.001-06:00

Chris Rock’s new documentary Good Hair began when one of his daughters came to him to ask, “Daddy, how come I don’t have good hair?” The question inspired Rock’s journey through the world of black hair, from barbershops to celebrity interviews to the largest black hair show in Atlanta.

Read the rest at http://trashwire.com/2009/10/09/good-hair/

Michael Moore's at it again with Capitalism: A Love Story

2009-10-02T12:03:00.001-06:00

There’s no such thing as an objective documentary. Every documentary, right down to the ones about wild animals roaming the tundra, has been injected with some opinion because every documentary is composed of shots and scenes edited together to create a sort of story. Michael Moore is a master of piecing these elements together to create meaning and a message.

Read the rest at Trashwire.com
http://trashwire.com/2009/10/02/capitalism-a-love-story/

Same jokes different character on The Cleveland Show

2009-09-30T23:00:00.001-06:00

The story of Family Guy is a miraculous one: Seth MacFarlane creates a TV show that gets cancelled by FOX, only to be resurrected by fans after finding new life on DVD. But the unfortunate side effect of this success story is that it now seems FOX believes MacFarlane can do no wrong and has granted him two additional animated series, the less-funny American Dad and the newest, completely un-funny addition, The Cleveland Show.

Read the rest on Trashwire.com at http://trashwire.com/2009/09/30/the-cleveland-show/

Modern Family a fresh take on the network sitcom

2009-09-22T19:45:00.003-06:00

Modern Family a fresh take on the network sitcom

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Modern Family a fresh take on the network sitcom

2009-09-22T19:45:00.001-06:00

Modern Family a fresh take on the network sitcom

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Touching tribute to the King of Pop upstaged by Kanye

2009-09-15T12:16:00.001-06:00

Touching tribute to the King of Pop upstaged by Kanye’s award show terrorism

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Clark Duke steals the show in Sex Drive

2009-09-04T13:23:00.001-06:00

Clark Duke steals the show in Sex Drive

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NEW ON TRASHWIRE: Inglourious Basterds truly Tarantino's masterpiece

2009-08-27T11:44:00.001-06:00

NEW: Inglourious Basterds truly Tarantino’s masterpiece

If any of you are wondering why it took me so long to get this review of Inglourious Basterds on Trashwire, the answer is that I’ve spend the last four days trying to think of how to sum up my feelings about the film without superfluous use of words like “amazing” or “awesome”. The performances from the cast, including Brad Pitt, Diane Kruger, Mélanie Laurent, and an almost obscenely stellar turn from Christoph Waltz, add so much to the film, but the real star might be Director Quentin Tarantino.

Read the rest at http://trashwire.com/2009/08/27/inglourious-basterds/

District 9 an alien original

2009-08-18T14:37:00.001-06:00

District 9 an alien original

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Funny (real) People

2009-08-04T21:22:00.001-06:00

Funny (real) People

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“Don’t You Talk Ugly to Me!”

2009-08-01T01:58:00.001-06:00

“Don’t You Talk Ugly to Me!”

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What Michael Jackson meant to me

2009-06-26T12:31:00.001-06:00

"To me, Michael Jackson was much more than a singer, a dancer, and a celebrity. To me, he represented The Dream, the hope and optimism that can keep us going in our darkest hours."

Read the rest on Trashwire.com at http://trashwire.com/2009/06/25/michael-jackson/

New doc paints captivating portrait of Mike Tyson

2009-06-15T20:09:00.000-06:00

Director James Toback’s inventive visual style and complex mixture of original interviews, archival footage and photos combines with the captivating words from Mike Tyson himself to make Tyson one of the most fascinating portraits of a sports figure in years.

Read the review on trashwire.com at http://trashwire.com/2009/06/15/tyson/

Bradley Cooper on

2009-06-05T17:32:00.001-06:00

Bradley Cooper on ‘The Hangover’ and evolving comedy

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The A-List comes out for the White House Correspondents Dinner

2009-05-12T10:39:00.001-06:00

The A-List comes out for the White House Correspondents Dinner

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Do you like fishsticks?

2009-04-09T14:45:00.001-06:00

Do you like fishsticks?

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Free screening of Observe and Report in Denver

2009-04-06T11:22:00.001-06:00

Free screening of Observe and Report in Denver

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Basketball Diaries from Planet Orange

2009-03-22T18:30:00.001-06:00

Basketball Diaries from Planet Orange

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FREE passes for Sunshine Cleaning screening in Denver

2009-03-06T14:32:00.001-07:00

FREE passes for Sunshine Cleaning screening in Denver

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Ville Valo opens up a virtual treasure chest of Weak Twins

2009-03-05T00:05:00.001-07:00

Ville Valo opens up a virtual treasure chest of Weak Twins

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Ville Valo opens up a virtual treasure chest of Weak Twins

2009-03-05T00:04:00.000-07:00

Ville Valo opens up a virtual treasure chest of Weak Twins

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Trashwire’s Wil Chinchilla will cover SXSW 2009

2009-03-03T15:11:00.001-07:00

Trashwire’s Wil Chinchilla will cover SXSW 2009

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Free passes for ‘I Love You Man’ screening in Denver

2009-02-25T12:29:00.001-07:00

Free passes for ‘I Love You Man’ screening in Denver

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The Whitest Kids U’Know come to Denver

2009-02-23T13:42:00.001-07:00

The Whitest Kids U’Know come to Denver

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This would be hilarious if it wasn’t so infuriating

2009-02-11T13:54:00.001-07:00

This would be hilarious if it wasn’t so infuriating

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RuPaul’s Drag Race is the definition of fierce

2009-02-06T20:23:00.001-07:00

RuPaul’s Drag Race is the definition of fierce

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5 things I learned about dudes from watching Super Bowl ads

2009-02-02T11:58:00.001-07:00

For guys, the Super Bowl is like Christmas, New Years and a birthday all rolled into one. Aside from the game itself, all the expensive advertising seems to celebrate this most dude-centric of days. As a woman, I found it fascinating to watch what advertisers think will be appealing and to take a look at what we learn about guys from watching the Super Bowl commercials, so I bring you this list of 5 things we learn about dudes from watching these commercials.

Read more at Trashwire.com

United States of Tara suffocates on slang

2009-01-26T21:49:00.001-07:00

United States of Tara suffocates on slang

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Big Brother 8

2007-07-07T13:25:00.000-06:00

Years ago, CBS debuted a new reality series called Big Brother. Back then, the cast was older, the show was more interactive, high-speed internet access was rare, and the live-feeds were tiny, grainy images of a chicken coop for most of the day.

Since then, the show has evolved into a summer guilty pleasure with eye-candy abound. Though there have been new twists in the game (the Power of Veto), new architecture in the house (the addition of a second story and HoH suite) and new houseguests to compete (hotties like Kaysar from BB6 and BB7), the show remains the most real of reality tv.

Unlike most reality shows, which are completely at the mercy of their editors, Big Brother offers something different: a live internet feed from inside the house. This allows viewers to watch all the plotting, strategizing, and back-stabbing that takes place during an average day in the house as it's happening. These live feeds are what make the show so much better than other "reality" programs like Survivor or The Real World.

Big Brother also has one of the most dedicated fan communities on the web. BB fans are up at all house, watching the feeds, taking screen caps, summarizing any updates, and discussing their favorite alliances. While it may not exactly be Monday Night Football, fans of this show are more into it than any die-hard arm-chair-quarterback.

I've been a fan of Big Brother since the first season and I only missed one episode due to a huge storm that passed through my neighborhood and knocked out the power.

Last year, I started a blog for Big Brother All-Stars, my dream season, featuring some of my favorite players from seasons past. That blog became pretty popular, and I've decided to go for it again this year with Big Brother 8.

This blog will feature updates, commentary, links and even a few screencaps or YouTube videos from this season and maybe even from past seasons too.

Keep checking back here to see what's cookin' in the BB house!

-Alexis

Breathing New Life into TV Sketch Comedy

2007-05-10T21:29:00.001-06:00

Sketch comedy shows seem to be getting a television revival these days. Trashwire.com Editor Alexis Gentry examines AcceptableTV, Human Giant, and The Whitest Kids U' Know.

Check out the article and view clips from the shows here on Trashwire.com.

The future of this blog

2007-01-11T22:39:00.000-07:00

While I am still keeping this blog, the latest posts can be found at alexisgentry.net/blog. I really like the WordPress themes and layouts more than the Blogger ones, so I'm going to be updating that blog more frequently than this one. Eventually, I'll re-post things here, but that blog is the best way to hear about all the random things floating around in my head.

Trey and Matt Interview

2007-01-10T15:17:00.000-07:00

http://www.reason.com/news/show/116787.html

My friend Jason sent this to me. It's an interview from Reason, a liberatarian magazine, with Matt Stone and Trey Parker. In it, the two discuss free speech, religion, and even their beef with Family Guy. Check it out.

Behind the Scenes of "The Breakfast Monkey"

2007-01-09T12:29:00.000-07:00

Are you a fan of My Chemical Romance? Have you watched the animatic for "The Breakfast Monkey" a zillion times on YouTube and always wondered how it came to be? Well wonder no more, my friends. In this super rare clip, you can hear about the making of this great show that almost was right from Gerard and co-creator Joe Boyle.

A huge thank you to bladeyoustain for putting this up.

TV Blog Updates

2007-01-07T22:25:00.000-07:00

For anyone who hasn't checked out the brand new TrashwireTV blog, head on over to trashwire.tv/blog to check it out. I've been updating it like crazy lately with information and reviews of all the latest and greatest trashy reality shows. I'd love to hear your feedback about it.

Parallels Blows My Mind

2007-01-07T02:45:00.000-07:00

If you're not a Mac user or a bit of a geek, you probably won't care about this post. You can amuse yourself elsewhere, perhaps by reading my comments about VH1's new reality series, I Love New York. If you are a Mac user or a geek, then stick around.

I got a MacBook about four months ago and I loved it right away. For one, it looks cool and the glossy screen produces some really beautiful images. It's also thin and portable and the battery lasts a lot longer than my other laptops. My very first computer was a Mac (a Performa 575 way back in 1993) and I've liked their operating systems ever since. While there was a long period in middle school and high school when I had PCs, I switched back to Mac in college and got an iBook. It was a great computer, incredibly light and portable, so I took to to class with me and used it constantly. It was also affordable thanks to Apple's educational discount. The only problem with my little iBook was that there were some programs I just couldn't run on the Mac OS. Our school would give us software for classes, have us access and download things online, or use files and applications that were for Windows only and either involved a zillion steps and extra money to run on a Mac, or were just plain out of bounds to Mac users.

When I heard that the new Mac laptops with Intel chips were going to be able to run Windows, I was intrigued. Macs have been running Windows for years through the use of programs like VirtualPC, but all the reports were saying that with the new Intel Macs, you could run Windows without some of the limits of those programs. I started hearing a lot about Parallels Desktop, an application that let Mac users run both the Mac OS and Windows at the same time and switch back and forth between the two. I was way psyched. The program I use to edit Trashwire.com is only available for Windows, so anything that let me run that from my new MacBook was right up my alley.

I got Parallels and installed it and Windows XP. From the second I accessed Windows and saw that familiar Start Menu at the bottom of the screen, I was excited. I played around with Parallels and switched between the windowed mode and the full-screen mode, which makes your Mac desktop look like any PC desktop. It was super cool. My PC programs all worked with ease and I could share files between my Mac and Windows through shared folders.

I was convinced that Parallels was already one of the coolest things I'd ever seen when I picked up a copy of Macworld and saw that there was a new improvement in the works for the already amazing software. With the new beta, you can now run Windows in Coherence Mode. In this mode, you don't even have to switch back and forth between the two operatins systems, it puts open Windows applications and folders right in with your Mac applications and folders. This means that I can have an open window with my sitebuilder application right next to my open Mac web browser and I can even drag and drop things between them. This is awesome because it eliminates the need for shared folders. I can just open the folder I want in Windows and drop something right in from my Mac. No more moving the file to a shared folder, switching to Windows, moving the file from the shared folder and then using it. I takes way less time and creates way less clutter.

The whole thing is amazing to me and I'm convinced the people who make Parallels must be aliens or people from the future or something. Why hasn't anyone made things this easy before? There was an episode of South Park where Randy was tring to explain the Wal-Mart business model to Stan and he said, "It's simple economics, son. I don't understand it at all...but...God I love it!" That's the way I feel about Parallels. I have no idea how it works, but damn am I happy that it does work. If I had to pick my favorite technological breakthrough of 2006, I'd pick Parallels Desktop for giving me the ability to have the computer I really want and not panic about limited applications for its operating system. I hate to sound like a Mac whore, but now that there's Parallels, why would anyone ever want to buy a PC again?

The Future of Trashwire.com

2007-01-05T17:34:00.001-07:00

First of all, happy new year!

We're planning some really big stuff for 2007, so be sure to stay tuned for updates and announcements.

The first big project we're in the process of solidifying is the launch of TrashwireTV. TrashwireTV is the new show we are developing for Denver Open Media. It will combine sketches, news, movie reviews and much more. We'll also be launching a new site for the show, which will feature episodes, behind-the-scenes info, and extras. It will also feature a blog about the episodes and about our favorite trashy TV shows. The new site is up, so feel free to browse. You can access it at http://trashwire.tv and you can view the blog at http://trashwire.tv/blog.

Next, we are looking to expand Trashwire and add some new writers. If you're interested in becoming a writer for Trashwire, please use the contact form to send us an email. We're looking for fun people with a good sense of humor who love writing about all aspects of pop culture. We would really like to add a web video section, so we're also looking for people who make web videos too. If you're a creative person and you want a place to publish your work, send us an email.

We'd love to hear your feedback on the new updates as they arrive. Send us your comments on the contact page or friend us on MySpace.

With your help, we can make 2007 the year of Trashwire.com!

Quote that I loved

2007-01-05T17:18:00.000-07:00

“Online gambling is the heroin of our time.”

I heard a woman on the E! THS Investigates special say this. The special was about the positive and negative values of the internet. Because it was E!, they tried to make it all sound as interesting and scandalous as possible. This woman talked about how she was addicted to online gambling and how it ruined her life. The story was kind of boring, she pissed all her family’s money away and now she feels bad about it, but then she dropped this little gem into the interview.

My question was this: isn’t heroin the heroin of our time? It’s not like heroin suddenly disappeared and now people are addicted to online gambling instead. You don’t see grunge musicians nodding out after a night of online gambling. Nicole Richie isn’t getting arrested for posession of online gambling materials. So, nothing is really the heroin of our time except for... well, heroin.

Beyond Jumping the Shark

2007-01-05T03:04:00.001-07:00

Those of you who could actually get through an episode of Flavor of Love without puking will be pleased to hear that everyone's favorite Head-Bitch-In-Charge is back with her very own reality dating show. That's right, New York (real name Tiffany Patterson), the psychotic diva from both seasons one and two of Flavor of Love is back on VH1 and looking for love once again. Her new series, I Love New York, puts her in a house with 20 single guys who compete for her affection.

I have to say, you'd think that being totally rejected by Flavor Flav twice on national TV would be enough to make a person realize how repulsive they really were, but apparently New York didn't get that memo. Instead, she and her freakish mother (who, I'm convinced, is actually a man) will go through the whole trashy charade again. Yes, trash fans, even her horrible mother will be back this season. Make sure you keep your vomit buckets ready. New York's self-absorbed chatter and psychotic diva rants will surely make our list of trash TV highlights this year.

Still, I think the real fascinating question here is this... just how many times can VH1 spin off a show? If you recall, the entire Flavor Flav dating show phenomenon started way back in 2004 with The Surreal Life. That show lead to the unholy union of Flavor Flav and Brigitte Nielson. Later, their relationship spawned Strange Love, a reality-romance series about Flav's attempts to woo Nielson. As if that wasn't enough, when Flav and Brigitte split, VH1 introduced a new show, the original Flavor of Love. After the first season of that show yielded no long-term love interest for Flav, VH1 decided to bring it back again in another quest to find Flav a woman. All this might leave you wondering just why VH1 has taken such an interest in the love life of the self-proclaimed "World's Greatest Hype Man". Now VH1 has once again introduced a spin off in the Flavor Flav love saga, bringing us the latest reality abortion, I Love New York.

Seriously, VH1, why are you doing this?! This goes so far over the line of jumping the shark that I think a new term needs to be coined for this scheme of running a concept so far into the ground. Clearly, this network does not know when it's time to let an idea die. All this is made even more hilarious by the fact that infamous "clock ceremony" line from Flavor of Love was "you know what time it is." Please, VH1, just let this whole Flavor Flav thing go and come up with something else. You know it's gotten pretty bad because this is coming from Trashwire.com. We have very strong stomachs for trashy TV, but this is testing even our tolerance. Keeping the cameras rolling as a girl took a shit on the carpet during the second season of Flavor of Love was one thing, but now we're so desparate for crap reality that we need to create and entire series where we find a man for someone who isn't even famous enough to qualify as a d-lister?! When will it end?!

It's so horrible that we just can't resist it and we'll be there watching on January 8th a 9PM EST when I Love New York premieres on VH1.

Click HERE for more information about the show and to watch episodes and extras from VSpot on VH1.com.

Starting '07 off with a bang...

2007-01-01T15:34:00.000-07:00

2007 is sure to be a major year for the trash reality show. The old favorites are going to be back and there are going to be some new ones that look very promising. There are two that start in the next few weeks that I'm super excited for...

The first is The Surreal Life Fame Games. This will, no doubt, be awesome because it's basically Surreal Life All-Stars, except no one on that show is really an all-star. Some of your favorite d-listers are back including Vanilla Ice. The previews alone are amazing and there is sure to be some crazy stuff going down. Apparently the cast must compete to see who is more famous and the person who is least famous every week gets voted off.

Next is a new show, Armed and Famous. This show takes celebrities like Jack Osbourne and LaToya Jackson and turns them into law enforcement officers in a small town. They get guns and badges and they go around arresting people. This is amazing because it combines The Surreal Life and Cops, two trash TV classics.

Those are my two big picks so far, but I'm sure as 2007 rolls on I'll have a lot more shows to look out for. Stay tuned to Trashwire.

A special Christmas video from Trashwire.com

2006-12-25T17:05:00.000-07:00

The Dance of Cracky Claus -->http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zc-B-M7vECs

The Snowman Conspiracy

2006-12-21T22:40:00.000-07:00

We just had a giant major snowstorm here in Colorado. Everything was closed, the roads, the schools, all the businesses, everything. The airport has been closed for two days, which is the longest in the history of this airport. The governor even declared it a state of emergency and the National Guard was here helping people get their cars off the highway.

Around my neighborhood, people were just starting to venture out again. A couple people managed to dig their cars out from underneath about four feet of snow, but most people failed and abandoned their cars in the middle of the road. Other than that, the streets were pretty empty all day.

Then tonight, we noticed something....

There were dozens of snowmen on all the corners, some of them up to seven feet high! The weird part was that we never saw anyone building them. I would think that an giant seven foot snowman takes a while to construct, but these seemed to just manifest out of nowhere. At first, it was cute and it brought holiday cheer, but then it was almost spooky.

It reminded me of Jack Frost, my favorite bad holiday movie. No, it's not the friendly family movie with Michael Keaton, but the one about a giant mutant killer snowman that terrorizes a Colorado town called Snowmonton. The film also features a young Shannon Elizabeth being killed by the snowman in a very special way. Netflix it folks. It's good stuff.

Check out more phantom snowman photos here Snowman Photo Album

The Infamous "Dick in a Box" Digital Short

2006-12-21T21:55:00.000-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/v/1dmVU08zVpA

For anyone who didn't see SNL with Justin Timberlake the other day, here is the "Dick in a Box" song that Andy Samberg did with Timberlake. It was really, really funny and totally worth watching, a great parody of all those Color Me Bad kind of groups from the early 1990s.

Jason Reitman Takes the Trashwire Survey

2006-12-20T22:41:00.000-07:00

We didn't think it was possible for Jason Reitman to be any cooler than he already was... but he proved us wrong. Check out his answers to our classic survey questions.

http://trashwire.com/reitman.html

"Teenagers scare the living shit out of me"

2006-12-18T18:07:00.000-07:00

The Smoking Gun just posted this story about a teenage boy who played a rather extreme "prank" on his classmates during lunch period. Here's the letter the principal sent out to parents.

Click here to read the whole story at The Smoking Gun and see a mug shot of the kid who did it. HERE

The Day I Lost All Faith In My Generation

2006-12-17T16:39:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting here on the couch trying to get over my cold and I decided to turn on the TV. The Real World Denver was on. I started watching it. That was probably my first mistake.

In this episode, we have one girl getting psycho possessive over a guy she's known for three days that already had sex with her roommate. We also had everyone going out and getting super drunk at some LoDo bar. Apparently at the bar, some local Denver dude insulted one of the black housemates and he wanted to leave, but one of the guys in the house had already left the club. The black guy freaked out that one of his roommates had already left and, for no reason at all, a huge fight broke out. I tried to pay attention to what was going on because it seemed to be a giant brawl, but I still have no idea what the hell was going on and why everyone was screaming at each other. Then after this weird ass confrontation, someone pulled a Michael Richards and started throwing racial slurs around. This made shit really jump off and get crazy. This is what happens when you put a bunch of drunk idiots in a multi-million dollar house together.

Sadly, these people are the representations for our generation that the public sees. When I go for a job interview, when I buy something at a store, when I go to vote, when I stand in line at the DMV, these are the images that people will see when they see a 22-year-old like me. Is anyone else in my generation totally horrified by this? There is so much more to my generation than these drunken fools, yet this is the way we're painted. It makes me long for the day I turn 30 and kiss my twenties goodbye so that I no longer have to be associated with overgrown high school kids like these.

Comedy Clubs or Battle Grounds?

2006-12-13T01:17:00.000-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/v/GtrBZJ9pYC0

What is the deal with comedy clubs these days? First Kramer's screaming racial slurs, now Pauly Shore's getting punched in the face.... is the whole entertainment world coming to an end?

Michael Richards, Just a Douche

2006-12-12T23:51:00.000-07:00

At this point, Michael Richards’ racial tirade is already old news. But, since everyone else has already given their two cents on the whole matter, I thought I’d weigh in myself. I’m guessing we’ve all seen the video at this point and most of us probably found it shocking. I was not hugely surprised, in fact I didn’t expect it to turn into a sequel of Nipplegate, but I admit to watching the clip with a bit of a startled look on my face. Most surprising is that it’s just plain not funny. It’s one thing if Richards’ responses to hecklers had the quick wit and timing that would be expected of a seasoned stand-up comedian. Instead, he just got really loud and repeated the same phrases over and over again with increasing intensity.

Unlike most of the world, I don’t believe that Richards is a racist. I believe him when he said he was trying to be shocking and make a joke out of the situation. Instead of believing that all along TV’s lovable Kramer has been hiding some seedy racist dark side, I think it really boils down to the fact that he’s just not that good. Instead of being a total racist, he’s really just a moron. He thought that he could pull of responding to hecklers who offended him by doing something amusing, edgy, and offensive right back. Instead of pulling off a Lenny Bruce or even a Lisa Lampanelli, he just became another Mel Gibson, a big star who embarrasses himself when he lets his mouth write a check his talent can’t cash.

Instead of branding Michael Richards a Klansman, we should all just realize he’s not some closet racist, he’s just a has-been and an arrogant hack. Just like when Mel Gibson declared that he thinks the Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world, it didn’t instantaneously destroy the lives of every Jewish person, instead the person it hurt the most was the idiot who said it. Michael Richards, like Mel Gibson before him, is getting just what he deserves from this. His goal was to humiliate the hecklers, but guess who’s laughing now.

New Clive and Jasmine episode on Trashwire

2006-12-01T14:08:00.000-07:00

Clive and Jasmine and the Duckling Stomping by Greg Garner

They're back! Clive and Jasmine return in this new episode of the popular Trashwire series and this time they're facing what they fear most.

Click HERE to read it.

New Movie Review on Trashwire.com

2006-11-28T19:59:00.000-07:00

Denver Film Festival Review: F*ck by Alexis Gentry

This new documentary examines the complex history, variety of uses, and the controversy surrounding one of the world's most infamous words.

Visit trashwire.com/fuck.html to check it out.

Celebrity Fat Suit Epidemic

2006-11-21T20:17:00.000-07:00

It seems that every show these days has at least one episode where one of their slim stars dawns a fat suit. There was Tyra and her retarded fat "experiment" where she put on a fat suit and glasses and was horrified to learn that her bitchy diva behavior was rarely tolerated. There was Vanessa Minnillo's fat suit episode, that I've never seen but heard all about. Now I just heard that another famous person is going to put on the fat suit and talk about how hard it is to be fat. Doesn't this seem totally fucked up? I thought I'd put some pics of famous people in fat suits here so we can see this epidemic spread.

First up we have Tyra Banks in her infamous fat suit experiment. While I never watch her show because I find her soul-destroying, I saw a lot of clips from this episode and it was completely priceless. It was basically Tyra in costume being a huge bitchy diva and then saying "people were treating me so badly!"

Vanessa Minnillo also dawned a fat suit for some social experiment or something, or maybe just to make fat people feel bad about themselves. I think it was her doing some kind of parody of Ugly Betty.

Ryan Reynolds also put on the infamous fat suit for a movie he did called Just Friends. The movie was a flop, but it still represents another time a famous person put on a fat suit to make the statement that fat people suck.

Even classy ladies like Paltrow are not above making fun of women who are fatter than them. Paltrow put on the fat suit for her role in the Jack Black comedy Shallow Hal, a film about a guy who only dates really hot chicks until getting hypnotized by Tony Robbins and sees the "real beauty" in women. Of course, the real point of the film was to see how many fat jokes could fit into 113 min.

Of course, the fat suit craze has been going on for years. On Friends, Courtney Cox rocked the suit when she was fat Monica...

And Eddie Murphy also made the fat suit famous in The Nutty Professor and all the sequels.

The best fat suit joke I've ever seen was by Rachel Dratch on SNL a few seasons back. She did a whole segment on Weekend Update about how celebrities had been putting on fat suits for their little "social experiments" and how that was total crap. The best part of the whole segment was her last line. She said, "So the next time you're rude to a fat person, think twice about it because it could be a celebrity in a fat suit."

Denver Film Festival Reviews Up Now on Trashwire.com

2006-11-20T16:52:00.000-07:00

I just added two more reviews from the Denver Film Festival. You can see them on the main page here or you can read each one by clicking the links below.

Who Loves the Sun
Will Morrison and Daniel Bloom were the best of friends. They grew up together. Went to the same schools. Liked the same records. Loved the same girls. Daniel was Will's best man at his wedding to Maggie Claire. Then one day Will disappeared without a word. Half a decade later he re-surfaces and sets off a tsunami of unforeseeable events.

Vanaja
Vanaja, the 15 year old daughter of a financially troubled fisherman goes to work in the local landlady's house in hopes of learning Kuchipudi dance. She does well, but when the Landlady's son returns from the US, what begins as innocent sexual chemistry turns ugly, ending in a rape - a rape of a minor. Set in rural South India, a place where social barriers are built stronger than ancient fort walls, the film explores the chasm that divides classes as a young girl struggles to come of age.

Trashwire Updates!

2006-11-17T20:41:00.000-07:00

I know it's been a long time, but Trashwire.com was just updated with a brand new review of Tenacious D in The Pick of Destiny. I got to see the film at the Denver Film Festival and wrote up a quick review here.

Watch K.Fed Get Dumped Via Text Message

2006-11-11T02:07:00.000-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qkq0w6ua_Sg

It may be wrong that I find this clip hilarious, but I do. Kevin Federline was filming a reality show where they followed him around everywhere and they just so happened to catch him getting a text message telling him about the divorce. The look on his face when he realizes that the gravy train is over is completely priceless. Wow, first they can't GIVE away tickets to his shows and now this.

Why Kanye West Makes Me Puke

2006-11-10T22:51:00.000-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=74YTisfHOJE

Kanye West was up for Best Video at the recent MTV Europe music awards, but he lost. Rather than letting it go, he decided to crash the acceptance speech of the group that won and claim that the whole show lost all it's credibility because they didn't give it to him.

I've seen a lot of people in my life that have their heads up their own asses, but this is a classic.

The 'M' in MTV

2006-11-05T17:34:00.000-07:00

Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't MTV supposed to mean MUSIC television? I know MTV has cut back on playing videos over the years, but now they don't play them at all. Even at 2AM, there's always some crap original programming or teen reality show, no videos.

Look at TRL, a show that is supposed to count down the most requested videos.... they play 20-30 seconds of the video and then it's back to all the kids in the studio yelling "WOOOOO!" for a few minutes until the commercial break. (By the way, for anyone over 20, try watching an episode of TRL and see if you aren't pro-choice by the end of it.)

It's sad because some music videos ("Welcome to the Black Parade") are awesome and I wish MTV would play them from start to finish and without all the banners and ads in the corners. Videos are an art form all their own and it's a shame that now they're cut down to ring-tone size clips and played while some VJ talks over the whole thing.

That's why I watch Fuse now. They seem to be the only music network around right now that actually plays music videos still. MTV and it's bastard childern MTV2, MTV2, and all the others only play clips, but Fuse plays the whole video without tons of crap floating around the screen. I fell in love with Fuse a few weekends ago when they did and all My Chemical Romance block and played their videos and making-of stuff. Now, Fuse has gone from the bottom of my music TV list to the top because they seem to be the only music network that actually plays music.

Just a quick rant.

Some Thoughts on Stephen Hunter

2006-10-26T17:26:00.000-06:00

Trashwire was just updated with a new item by Jason Mogavero about conservative film critic Stephen Hunter. Jason takes on Hunter's claim that the masculine hero is dead, and he exposes that Hunter is a turd. Check it out by clicking here or go to trashwire.com/hunter.html to read it.

Trashwire Forum Updates

2006-10-26T00:41:00.000-06:00

We have lots of new topics on our Trashwire Forum that are just waiting for your comments. We have sections for movies, reality TV, South Park, web junk, and now music and podcasts. Make your voice heard over at the Trashwire forum!

http://trashwire.com/forum
Or click here to go to the forum

Hal Sparks takes the Trashwire survey

2006-10-21T23:51:00.000-06:00

Hal Sparks just wrapped up a successful three-night run at the Comedy Works in Denver where he touched on topics like wanting your own theme music, being afraid of a plastic bag on the freeway, and his experience as a stealth paintball assassin. In between his hilarious set, he had time to answer a few questions for Trashwire.

Trashwire: What is your favorite bad movie?
Hal: I disagree with the name "bad". Just because other people don't like it doesn't mean it's not fantastic. I think Hudson Hawk qualifies in that zone. People think it's a bad movie, and it's actually spectacular.

Trashwire: What is your favorite line from a bad movie?
Hal: Probably from RoboCop 2, "Behaaaaaave yourselves!" It's pretty great.

Trashwire: Who is your favorite bad movie star?
Hal: The guy who was in The Phantom and he was in Dead Calm, Billy Zane. He's probably my favorite bad movie star. I like that, once he started losing his hair, he just shaved his whole head bald. He was like, "screw it!"

Trashwire: What is your favorite trashy reality show?
Hal: I don't believe in guilty pleasures, I have no guilt about any pleasure. Just 'cause someone doesn't like my pleasure, doesn't mean I have to feel bad about it. That's a strong, important point with me. That being said, it's hard to choose one because it's "trashy" reality show, which narrows the category. I would go with Flavor of Love or Breaking Bonaduce--or, you know what--I'm with Busey.

Trashwire: Who is the funniest person alive?
Hal: Besides me? That's a tough one. Michael Palin from Monty Python. It's a difficult one because they're all so funny. But Michael Palin, I think, is purely funny. He's good natured and always beyond hilarious. Even if you go to Monty Python's The Holy Grail where he's the Knights who Say Ni, just him going "Now... go!" is fucking hilarious.

Trashwire: What is the first thing you'd do with a billion dollars?
Hal: Well, considering that I do what I love, I'd probably hide the fact that I have a billion dollars. If it was like, "Hey, you got a billion bucks." I'd be like "Oh shit! don't let anybody know I have a billion dollars." I would hide the fact that I had that much money right away. I'd probably get a bank in the Caymans or something, after paying my fair share of taxes, for the record.

Trashwire: If you were stranded on an island with any celebrity, who would you chose?
Hal: That's tough. Do you want to get off the island? Then you might pick somebody like your Jeff Corwins of the world, or your Dirty Jobs dude, or maybe the guys from Mythbusters. If you're gonna stay on the island with one person, I'm thinking Jennifer Aniston/Sophie Marceau. Either one of them would be fine. Actually, maybe Juliette Lewis. Even though I don't think she's a perfect mate for me, it would never get boring. It would always be weird... on the island of lost celebrities.

Trashwire: If you could only hear one song for the rest of your life, what would it be?
Hal: It would probably be "Master of Puppets" or "Summerland" by King's X.

Trashwire: What would you say is your best movie experience?
Hal: Aside from seeing What the *Bleep* Do We Know or The Secret and having that be life-changing and mind-opening, I think seeing Howard the Duck with a bunch of my friends in high school is my favorite. Our choices that night were Howard the Duck or Platoon and I'm like "I'm not gonna waste my Friday night going home feeling miserable. That's a Sunday afternoon movie." So we went and watched Howard the Duck, and it sucked, and Lea Thompson was in her underwear and she's totally fine. We had a great time.

Trashwire: When you were little, what did you always want to be?
Hal: When I was little, I wanted to be in KISS. That just seemed like home or something. I think it shows in who I am. Bruce Lee, Steve Martin, Paul Stanley and Gene Simmons are my male role models, so you can pretty much figure my whole psyche out by looking at those four people.

Trashwire: Now we come to the short answers.
Trashwire: What do you like more, Coke or Pepsi?
Hal: I don't drink soda. Well, I don't drink Coke or Pepsi, I drink, like "Ginger Beer" and really light, healthy kinda stuff. There's a South American tea that they make sparkling and it's like the greatest soda ever.
Trashwire: Chris Rock or Dave Chappelle?
Hal: Dave Chappelle because I like his silliness.
Trashwire: South Park or Family Guy?
Hal: Family Guy
Trashwire: Mac or Windows?
Hal: Mac. Does Windows still exist?
Trashwire: Facebook or MySpace?
Hal: MySpace, but if I was Rep. Foley of Florida, I'd would probably say Facebook.
Trashwire: Movies or TV?
Hal: Movies.

Tag

2006-10-10T23:40:00.000-06:00

I was lucky enough to catch this short film at the Toofy Film Festival in Boulder and it was super funny. If you get the opportunity, check it out! You can view the trailer here.

Get this video and more at MySpace.com

http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=1272585902

What Your Wireless Network Says About You

2006-10-09T13:18:00.000-06:00

In these days of broadband internet, wireless networks are more and more common as people look for ways to connect on-the-go. Nearly every laptop these days had a built in wireless card and most of us probably use wireless networks around our house, the office, or at school. When setting up a network , most people tend to go with a generic name or just leave the default name of their wireless router. As wireless security became more of an issue, people began getting more creative with their network names and making sure that their internet connection remained private. If you’re like me and you live in an apartment building where nearly everyone uses wireless internet, you can find out a lot about your neighbors from the names they give their networks.

I discovered this phenomenon the other day when I had to reset my router and my computer asked me if I wanted to connect to another network. The computer trying to auto-connect me wasn’t the weird part, it was that it offered to connect me to an open network called “Bitchy McBitch.” There was something that was just so funny to me about seeing a little alert window on my screen saying, “None of your preferred networks are available. Would you like to connect to the open network Bitchy McBitch?” I clicked the little no button, but was intrigued by what other networks might be available in my building.

The names ranged from simple, like “Kristen’s net” or “Jason” to more complex, but still straightforward names like “6th Floor Conference Room” and “Apartment Home”. Then I noticed a slew of more creative names starting with “Go Rockies”, “Vote 4 Pedro” and “Pimp Daddy”. Clearly my neighbors, all primarily younger people, were fans of the Colorado Rockies, Napoleon Dynamite and pimping. Still, I wondered, what could top Bitchy McBitch for best wireless name?

As I glanced down the list, I noticed one particularly interesting network. Someone in my building had bought a wireless router, completed the set up wizard, and titled their network “Balls in Pantyhose”. I was instantly curious about the person who owned the “Balls in Pantyhose” network. I’m assuming it was a guy, but I suppose it could have just as easily been a woman. Still, I tried to picture what this person must be like. Was he really into balls in pantyhose? Was it just some inside joke he shared with his buds? Did the phrase have some special meaning for him? So many questions arose from this very unique network name.

It made me start to think about the entire evolution of technology up to this point. Engineers and scientists had been working for decades, creating computer technology to advance society, with hopes of grandeur about curing disease and connecting distant nations. Then there was this guy who named his network “Balls in Pantyhose.”

Ah, the future is now!

The Trashwire.com Survey

2006-09-28T00:44:00.000-06:00

Trashwire.com recently created a survey to profile our friends and the stuff they like. I took it, and you can too. Just copy and past the questions and then put them as a comment HERE (trashwire.com/contact.html)

What is your favorite bad movie?
To me, the best bad movie ever made is The Room. It’s not only horribly directed, but the acting is awful and the stars aren’t, in any way, attractive. It is the worst movie I’ve ever seen... and I love it!

What is the best line from a bad movie?
“Everything goes wrong at once. Nobody helps me, and I’m dying. I got the results of the test back today, I definitely have breast cancer.” - The Room, 2003

Who is your favorite bad movie star?
This is a really tough question, because I’m partial to saying someone from The Room, but I think my favorite bad movie performance is Elizabeth Berkley in Showgirls. I love her in that movie because she’s so unnecessarily intense and violent in her movements and dialogue that I feel like they must have been blind to cast her as some kind of graceful dancer.

What is your favorite trashy reality TV show?
That’s a tough one too because there are so many bad reality shows I love. My favorite reality show of all time is Big Brother, but I’m hesitant to call it a trashy reality show because I love it so much. I think this year, the best trashy reality show would have to be Flavor of Love because when I watch it, I literally can’t believe my eyes.

Who is the funniest person alive?
If this was last year, I’d have said Richard Pryor. I bet you all think I’m gonna say Trey Parker, but I’d actually say Larry David. I’m also really liking Ricky Gervais, Eddie Izzard, Lisa Lampanelli, Chris Rock, and all The Comedians of Comedy.

The first thing I’d do with a billion dollars is...?
Make a movie.

If I was stranded on an island with one celebrity I’d chose...?
Either Trey Parker or someone super hot like Gael Garcia Bernal.

If I could only hear one song for the rest of my life, I’d listen to...?
I’d probably pick Michael Jackson’s “Human Nature” because I’ve loved that song for as long as I can remember. Also because I’m a dork and I really like 1980s Michael Jackson music.

My best movie experience was...?
Either watching Glitter with Greg and hearing him yell “Dice?” for the duration of that horrible scene where she comes to her boyfriend’s apartment and he’s not there... or watching The Room with Jason, Kim, Dominique and Matt last semester in Kino Fist. I felt like I was in an episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000. It was absolutely awesome.

When I was little, I always wanted to be a...?
Star of any kind. I think at that time, I was into being a pop star like Janet Jackson or being on In Living Color.

Which one is better:
Coke or Pepsi?.......... Pepsi
Chris Rock or Dave Chappelle?.......... Tough one, but Chris Rock.
South Park or Family Guy?.......... Duh, South Park!
Mac or Windows?.......... Mac that also runs Windows.
Facebook or MySpace?.......... Facebook
Movies or TV?.......... TV because it’s more immediate.

'Office' Romance

2006-09-22T17:20:00.000-06:00

As a big fan of the original UK version of The Office, I was understandably apprehensive when I learned that the show was coming to America. Ricky Gervais was brilliant both as a star and a writer on the show and I doubted anyone would be able to match his talent. When the first season of the American version of The Office kicked off, I was pleasantly surprised at the way they adapted the characters to make the show fit for American audiences. Sure a few scenes played like a weird impersonation of the original, but others shined in originality. Steve Carell, in particular, was impressive because he was able to accomplish the most difficult task by expertly playing the slacker boss made famous by Gervais himself.

I was so excited for the new season, that is, until I saw a recent trailer for the upcoming premiere episode. Instead of the quirky and humorous plot lines that usually occurred in the series, the commercial flashed slow-motion shots of Pam (Jenna Fischer) and Jim (John Krasinski) during their stolen kiss at the end of last season’s final episode. Why were they focusing on the little office romance when the real comedy was in the larger office society? The funniest parts of the show are the awkward pauses when jokes aren’t funny or the way that plot lines don’t always carry the audience somewhere. That’s the part that makes the show real. Where the first and second seasons didn’t seem like a contrived “set-up, pay-off” sitcom, this new episode abandoned the subtleties that made the show so great in the first place.

The episode began by explaining that Jim and Pam had since parted ways after their kiss and that Jim had been promoted to another branch of the company. Throughout the rest of the episode, we were bombarded with scenes showcasing how different the world in the office was now that the lovebirds were miles apart. Jim had no one to get his jokes and Pam had no one to find the humor in boss Michael’s foot-in-the-mouth comments. The other plot, the funny one, about Michael (Carell) accidentally outing a gay employee, was almost completely overshadowed by the melodramatic romance. Was I watching The Office or Laguna Beach? I’ve never seen a comedy take such a sharp turn away from humor and towards generic romance/drama. The entire episode seemed to dwell on one tiny sub-plot as dozens of other funny ideas slipped by.

This was exactly what I feared about NBC bringing this brilliant show to the USA. American audiences want action, they want romance, intrigue, and simpler jokes. Unfortunately, this makes a brilliant and different show like The Office become just like every other mediocre sitcom on TV. In the UK version, two full seasons passed without a hook up between Tim and Dawn, the UK equivalents of Pam and Jim. We didn’t jump right to their relationship all the time because that’s not authentic. People don’t start working with someone and then quickly decide to call off their wedding because of their feelings for the co-worker. By utilizing this accelerated plot, they rushed to please the lowest common denominator of network TV viewers and failed to keep the show interesting for those of us who don’t mind waiting for a big plot point to occur.

I’m optimistic that The Office will be able to recover from this little stumble and get back on track to give us some fresh new comedy. The very first episode of the series failed to impress me because it seemed like a karaoke version of the original, yet the show quickly picked up and became one of my favorites. I hope that they can pull off a similar turn around this time. They need to remember that what makes the show so great is that everyone can relate to it, not that it’s some drama-packed Hollywood version of the office life. I laughed out loud several times at the awkward tension when Michael’s jokes bombed or when Jim egged on Dwight (Rainn Wilson) in the past. That’s a winning formula and there’s no need to mess with it. Working in an office is a funny enough premise without throwing in random sub-plots and laying the romance on thick

America's Next Top Boring Reality Contestants

2006-09-21T16:54:00.000-06:00

America’s Next Top Model premiered tonight on The CW. As a fan of reality TV, I just had to watch. I normally only watch Top Model when it airs in marathon blocks on VH1, but I’ve become so addicted to all the anorexic catfighting that I had to watch from the very beginning this time.

The show began, as usual, in the most Tyra-centric way with Tyra Banks emerging on a stage in front of a sea of applauding clones. In case that wasn’t enough, the house where the girls live is literally filled with giant pictures of Tyra. Could she be more in love with herself? I doubt it. Through out the show, there were several instances where everyone sat around praying at the shrine of Tyra. For example, when one Indian contestant began crying about the way cultures value certain beauty traits, Tyra pretended she was Oprah and offered the girl some completely cliché “meaningful” advice. It seems that every girl had some sob story and only Saint Tyra could guide them through their struggle. When did America’s Next Top Model become Queen for a Day?

The best part of Tyra’s self-righteous ranting is the blatant contradiction. She rejects one contestant for being a stripper, then assigns the girls a nude modeling task for their first photo shoot. Of course, Tyra’s flunkies defend the choice saying, “There’s a fine line between sleazy and classy.” This show really sends a great message: demonize one girl for taking her clothes off for money and then badger another when she doesn’t want to get naked for the camera. Apparently it’s ok to do anything as long as Tyra orders you to.

Watching the rejects on this show makes me anxious for the new season of American Idol. The rejected models lack any charm or novelty like the booted freaks of Idol. No one stands out and all the models look and act the same. In fact, I’ve never seen such a bland and boring crop of “models”. Normally, when a show begins a new season, they try to top the previous years. On Top Model, we’re watching another season of mediocrity with the same generic reality TV characters that appear in every show. There’s the bitchy girl, the crazy rocker chick, the insecure ugly duckling who’s really a swan… sorry, I almost fell asleep just now thinking about it. This show offers nothing new; it brings nothing to the table. There is nothing fresh, exciting, captivating, or original about it. It’s the same formula, but with even more boring characters.
Instead of watching skinny girls cry about how life is so hard for them, I’d rather watch skinny people eat bugs and try to build a fire. Stick with Survivor for your reality TV guilty pleasure this season.

Crackie Mae and Ray Ray Break Up!

2006-09-14T00:19:00.000-06:00

IMDB had this to report today...

"Houston & Bobby Brown Split

Pop star Whitney Houston has filed for divorce from husband Bobby Brown, after 14 years of marriage. Houston filed the paperwork in Orange County, California, on Friday, and the papers were served to Brown on Tuesday. Houston's representative Nancy Seltzer confirms the split to American publication People stating, "She has filed from divorce from Bobby Brown. We're saying she filed for divorce because that is (Whitney's) intent. (Whitney) was in LA on Tuesday night with Clive Davis at the Ella Awards. I have nothing further to add." Houston, 43, and Brown, 39, have one child together - daughter Bobbi Kristina, 13. Divorce proceeding are expected to begin next month."

Tragedy! If these two can't stay together, who can?

Worms on a Floor

2006-09-11T23:57:00.000-06:00

"Enough is enough, I've had it with these motherf*ckin' worms on this motherf*ckin' floor!"

Tonight, as my mom and I sat in her house watching all the 9/11 documentaries and specials on TV, we were getting tired and I decided to head on home. Everything seemed normal and I got my shoes and jacket on as I headed out towards the front room. Things were totally normal... but that was about to change.

As we were heading out the door, we noticed a big six inch worm in the middle of the floor in the foyer. Then, as we looked around, there was another worm about two feet from that one, and another one a little closer to the door. One was up against the wall near a window and yet another looked like it was trying to make it's way up the stairs. What the hell was going on? Why were there all these worms on the floor in the house? Where did they come from and how long had they been there?! It was horrible.

We felt bad because they looked like they were drying out and getting all crusty. We decided to load them into a giant paper cup cup and dump them outside in the grass. Using a Bed Bath and Beyond ad and a wooden letter opener, I figured I'd pick them up and drop them into the cup. I assumed they'd be rather lifeless considering their deteriorating state, but instead, they were very much alive. When I tried to flip them on to the Bed Bath and Beyond ad with the letter opener, they wiggled like I had dropped crystal meth on them. It was so infinitely creepy!

It really reminded me of this old movie I had seen a long time ago called Squirm. It's an old campy movie from 1976 where an "avalanche of worms" destroy a town. Was our house going to be consumed by an avalanche of bloodthirsty killer worms?!

It's only been about an hour since we thwarted the worm attack, so they could return for a second strike. If I don't write something more here in the next few days, you'll know I was consumed alive by killer worms!

Pueblo, Colorado: Unlike Anything Else

2006-09-09T23:45:00.000-06:00

Today my mom, grandma and I all piled in the car and drove down to Pueblo to visit our relatives there. My whole family on my mom’s side is from Pueblo and my mom grew up there. I’ve been many times and enjoyed it a lot as a kid. All my relatives there were colorful and loving and I had a lot of fun back then playing with my two cousins who are close in age to me.

This trip marked our first time back there in about 4 years. The last time we were there was right before I went off to college and I could remember thinking that Pueblo was awesome back then. This time, I wanted to go as a sponge and try to really take it all in.

After about a two hour drive, we arrived in Pueblo. My mom and Nana had been talking in the car the whole way down about this bakery they used to go to in the 1960s and 1970s. They raved that it had the best cake they’d ever had, an Orange Chiffon cake. It was like a sponge cake only made with oranges and lemons and frosted with orangey vanilla icing. Naturally, I insisted we make a stop at the bakery so I could try this legendary treat.

When we arrived at the bakery, the tiny store was already pretty crowded and seemed to be selling out of a lot of items despite the fact that it was only about 12:15 in the afternoon. My mom and Nana were so determined to get the very last Orange Chiffon that they neglected to take a number. We later found out from my mom’s cousin Carole that this offense could have been punishable by gunshot if it had occurred during Christmas or Thanksgiving when the store actually has an armed guard to make sure things stay in order. That’s just how good the pastries are apparently, so good that you have to be watched at gunpoint because people go crazy at the thought of those cakes. The woman at the store, having not noticed our number indiscretion, happily boxed up the last Orange Chiffon and one Pink Chiffon as well. That was when I saw the area behind the counter with donuts. Finding delicious donuts in a bakery is not that unusual, but sitting right next to them was a whole shelf of funnel cakes. I haven’t seen funnel cakes outside of fairs and carnivals, but apparently in Pueblo, you can get one any time you want. We grabbed our cakes and protected them like a set of Loomis Fargo drivers as we went back to the car.

Then it was time to begin the Pat Sue Reality Tour, as I like to call it. Every time we come to Pueblo, my mom drives me past all the notable places she remembers from growing up there. We go past her elementary school, her junior high, and her high school. But that’s not all! We also go past the house she grew up in, the house her grandmother lived in, our relatives old houses, the house “with the family that made the best tortillas”, the park where she “kissed this one Mexican guy”, the demolition derby where someone “threw a cactus in [her] hair”, the place where the cute guy she had a crush on in junior high lived, the place where she saw her first and only dead kid, and so many other essential destinations. The Pat Sue Reality Tour is probably the greatest part of the trip for me.

During the tour, I also get to hear in-depth accounts of the various events that occurred at these hot spots. She recalls games of “Ditch ‘em”, the time her sister poured fire ants into her pants when she was little, the play kitchen she used to keep a huge knife in just in case someone tried to break into their house, the time one of the neighborhood men tried to show her naked pictures of his wife, and so many more. A good 90% of these things are either illegal or unthinkable today. Just imagine a small child in 2006 hanging out with their friends around the town for hours with no cell phone, no way to contact mommy and daddy, and no one knowing exactly where they are. It’s a recipe for abduction. Yet, back then, the Pueblo kids didn’t fear anything because the world wasn’t a scary place for them. Kids younger than 6 enjoyed almost total freedom in their town because everyone knew everyone and life was just safe.

When I looked at Pueblo and compared the way it was back then to the way it is now, that’s what made me realize what a treasure it is. Pueblo is almost the same exact way today as it was in 1973. Many of the stores are the same and owned by the same families, people work in their jobs for 40 years, the houses haven’t been torn down and replaced by cookie-cutter McMansions, even some of the cars driving around look like they’ve had the same owner for 30 years. While the whole rest of the world changes, and Foleys or Filene’s become Macy’s, Pueblo hangs on to it’s identity and it stays the same. It’s a tiny unique oasis in a sea of cloned suburbs. What I really like most about Pueblo is that there’s no place that is just like it. It’s totally it’s own thing. It’s such a refreshing change from chain after chain of the same crap that you see in most towns.

So, if any of you ever get a chance to visit Pueblo, definitely go for it! And… if you want to know the best places to go or take the Pat Sue Reality Tour yourself, just email me and I’ll give you the works!

8 Seasons of Greatness

2006-09-08T00:53:00.000-06:00

8 Seasons of Greatness - Alexis' favorites from the first 8 seasons

The 8th season DVD of South Park came out recently and I listed my favorite episodes in seasons 1-8. I'm a super fan of the show, so the list is kind of long. Click that link to read it. Feel free to post your comments about it here.

Tupac Lives

2006-08-31T23:21:00.000-06:00

"It was the dopest song I ever wrote -- in '94"

American History

2006-08-31T23:11:00.000-06:00

This was one of Trey's early film projects at CU in Boulder. It's really hard to find, so thank goodness for YouTube!

1997 Trey and Matt interview

2006-08-31T23:03:00.000-06:00

Pat Sue on the stars of the VMAs

2006-08-31T20:14:00.000-06:00

My mom and I were also noticing that, no only do we barely know who any of these "celebrities" are, but we don't like them. She had this to say to them all:

"You know what, I don't want to know you!"

I think this says more about meaningless celebs like Paris Hilton and P. Diddy than anything I could ever come up with. I hate it that I know little facts about them and who they date or who they like. I feel like this information is forced into my brain because all these so-called news organizations keep reporting about it. I don't want to know anything about these awful people. Stupid stuff like Jessica Simpson's shoe size is taking up valuable realestate in my brain and I want to evict it.

Pat Sue on Madonna

2006-08-31T20:11:00.000-06:00

My mom and I were sitting and watching the VMAs tonight on TV and she had this to say about Madonna:

"You're too old! How about this, take your support hose and get the fuck out of here!"

Awesome.

The Best South Park Episodes

2006-08-30T19:38:00.000-06:00

The 8th season of South Park came out on DVD yesterday and I thought I'd list my favorite episodes from the last 8 seasons.

Season 1:

107 - PINK EYE
This episode remains one of my favorites because it was the first episode I saw. A long time ago, the Boulder Theater had an entire night where they played some guy's tape of South Park episodes. When I got there, they were in the middle of another episode, and Pink Eye was the first one I saw from the beginning. I loved the "Thriller" reference with Chef and I was instantly captivated by Cartman. This episode was my first glimpse at the genius of Matt and Trey and I was hooked!

Season 2:

201 - TERRANCE AND PHILIP IN NOT WITHOUT MY ANUS
While most people hated this episode and wanted to kick Matt and Trey's asses when it aired, you have to admit, it was pretty brilliant. I love the concept of a cliffhanger that never pays off and I love the idea of an all Terrance and Philip episode even more. This was also great for it's early glimpse at Sadaam, who would play a huge role in the movie. On top of that, I love Ugly Bob and Scott.

203 - CHICKENLOVER
This episode simply has to make the list because who doesn't love Cartman with "authoritah"? The parody of COPS was spot on and, even though the Officer Barbrady plot line wasn't thrilling, Cartman was enough to carry the show.

Season 3:

307 - CAT ORGY
In my favorite installment of the meteor shower trilogy, Cartman and Shelley waged war. The Wild Wild West song Cartman sings is perfect because it captures everything that was stupid about that awful movie, including the "big metal spider". If that wasn't awesome enough, this episode also introduced us to Skyler, who would later be in Timmy's band, The Lords of the Underworld.

310 - CHINPOKOMON
Who could possibly capture the Pokemon craze better than Matt and Trey? The combination of South Park style animation and anime was brilliant and I loved the different Chinpokomon characters. My favorite was Shoe.

315 - MR. HANKEY'S CHRISTMAS CLASSICS
Season three was a juggernaut, one of the best ever, but it was also marked by the death of Mary Kay Bergman, the original voice of all the female characters. This episode aired right after her death and had a sweet sentimentality during the last song that you don't often see in South Park. The music in the episode was funny, but also really good. In particular, the dreidel song, featuring lines like "Jews play stupid games." and "Courtney Cox, I love you. You're so hot on that show." was expertly arranged and performed. I have the CD of "Mr. Hankey's Christmas Classics" and I love it.

Season 4:

406 - CARTMAN JOINS NAMBLA
In Cartman's quest to be cooler and more mature than all his friends, he stumbled upon a group that sought to unite young boys with older men... little did he know, it was NAMBLA. I love this episode because it perfectly captures what Cartman is all about, being better than everyone else, even if it means hanging out with child molesters.

409 - SOMETHING YOU CAN DO WITH YOUR FINGER
Season 4 was all about Cartman trying to get $10 million. Creating a boy band called Fingerbang, was one of his earliest ideas. This episode was awesome because of the entire backstory with Randy being in a boy band and being exploited. I love the sequence when he loses his job, his house, his car, and his chicks, "theee ya!"

410 - DO THE HANDICAPPED GO TO HELL?
411 - PROBABLY
Because this was a two part episode, I'm listing both together. Cartman's evangelical preaching was hilarious. When we finally found out that it was all part of a plot to get $10 million, it was even better. It might as well have been a documentary about those televangelists in the south. The best part of the series was the relationship drama going on just outside the lake of fire. Satan was in a relationship with Chris, a genuinely good guy, when Sadaam came back into his life. Satan was shocked to see Sadaam again in hell, but where was he gonna go, Detroit? The Satan/Sadaam story line was like a little epilogue for the movie and it was great to see where Matt and Trey were going to take those characters.

413 - TRAPPER KEEPER
It's so hard to pick my favorites from season 4. I wanted to list 412 "Fourth Grade" because of the Star Wars references, but I opted for this episode because it was one of the first political allegories they ever did. The kindergarten election scandal was perfect for showing just how stupid the 2000 election really was. Most of all though, I loved that Cartman had a super awesome Trapper Keeper and that he kept trying to make Kyle jealous. The best scene: Cartman warns Kyle that his Trapper Keeper is coded to his own fingers, so if anyone tries to steal it, big metal spikes come out that pierce the hands. Kyle doesn't believe him so Cartman says, "well then why don't you hold it? If it doesn't have metal spikes, then hold it."

416 - THE WACKY MOLESTATION ADVENTURE
This episode is great because it starts out simple, about the boys being mad at their parents, and ends with a weird post-apocalyptic town that is run by feuding child gangs. I have to believe that, if you really did let kids run the world, we'd descend into total chaos and start human sacrifices. I love the sequence when Stan is explaining the story of "the before time" to the outsiders and the scenes in the prison rehabilitation center when the parents are told to "just look at this young boy, don't molest him."

417 - A VERY CRAPPY CHRISTMAS
Last one from season 4, I swear! This episode is awesome because of it's self-reflexivity. I love "The Spirit of Christmas", the short that started it all for Trey and Matt, and it was great that some small part of that actually aired on the show. Also great in this episode was Mr. Hankey's drunken wife, Autumn. "You boys wanna bet me I won't take of my clothes?"

Season 5:

501 - SCOTT TENORMAN MUST DIE
At the time, this was probably the most twisted episode of South Park ever. It really took Cartman to a new level. When Scott Tenorman outwits Cartman into giving him $16.12, Cartman seeks revenge by masterminding an elaborate plan to kill Scott's parents and feed their ground up bodies to him at a Chile Con Carnival. The last scene when Scott sobs at the table and Cartman licks up his tears saying "let me taste your tears, Scott" is so infinitely wrong on so many levels. I love the references to Hanibal, except this time it's training an animal to bite off someone's weiner. To this day, whenever someone outwits me and I want to feed them their own parents, I think about Scot Tenorman.

502 - IT HITS THE FAN
"Tonight, on Cop Drama, they're gonna say... shit." So begins the most profanity-laced episode ever. There were 162 "shits" in all in this hilarious episode. It wasn't just the cursing that was fun about this show, I also loved hearing "Cop Drama" as everyone sat around watching it. There's a certain voice that Trey and Matt do, I call it the Cop Drama voice, that perfectly captures all that is stupid about over-dramatic acting. They also do it in Team America quite a bit and I couldn't think it was funnier.

506 - CARTMANLAND
In another episode that perfectly captured all that is Cartman, Cartman buys an amusement park solely to exclude other people from being able to go. To his horror, he needs to sell a few tickets to keep the park running and, before long, Cartmanland just like any Six Flags with kids running around everywhere and all the lines, lines, lines, lines! I love the Dr. Seus reference and I love that Cartman's happiness gives Kyle a hemorrhoid and makes him lose his will to live.

508 - TOWELIE
If Matt and Trey set out to create the dumbest character ever, they're damn well gonna do it! Towelie was just so weird and random that I was thoroughly entertained. The best part of this episode was that the boys had no interest in the intergalactic conspiracy unfolding around them and were only concerned about playing with their Game Sphere.

514 - BUTTERS' VERY OWN EPISODE
I guess season 5 was the era of disturbing moments because this episode even topped "Scott Tenorman" for the title of most messed up thing they've ever done. When the happy-go-lucky Butters reveals to his mom that his father has been frequenting gay porn theaters and bathhouses, she goes crazy and decides to drown Butters in the car before killing herself. Instead, she and her husband reconcile and claim that Butters was kidnapped by "some Puerto Rican guy." It is beyond twisted and utterly hilarious. I especially love the scene at the end where they flash on the faces of OJ Simpson, Gary Condit, and John and Patsy Ramsey as Butters dad yells "You liar! You murdering murderer!"

Season 6:

603 - ASSPEN
Both plot lines in this episode, the parents being trapped and forced into buying a timeshare and the boys dealing with the teen movie ski competition, are priceless. I love the way that Tad, the hot shot skier who challenges Stan, shows up out of nowhere or the way that they have the final race on The K13, the most dangerous run in America. My friends and I went for weeks calling each other "Stan Darsh" after this. Everything about this episode is like watching a teen movie of the 80s... except for the Total Recall part at the end.

607 - THE SIMPSONS ALREADY DID IT
Have you ever had a really great idea, only to find out that someone else had that same idea years before you? That's exactly what happens to Butters, here as Prof. Chaos, as he plots to bring destruction and doom to the town. Every scheme he and Gen. Disarray plot has already been executed on The Simpsons. This show proves that you can improve on perfection as they take The Simpsons' story line about growing a tiny society and give it the South Park touch adding five gallons of semen and one dead teacher.

609 - FREE HAT
Forget the plot about the townspeople rallying to free a convicted baby killer, the meat of this episode was in the Star Wars/Raiders of the Lost Ark story line with George Lucas and Steven Spielberg. It's also amazing because it garnered a very polite f-you letter from Spielberg himself.

613 - THE RETURN OF THE LORD OF THE RINGS TO THE TWO TOWERS
I don't even need to go into detail about how awesome this episode was. Not only did they do an amazing parody of LOTR, there was also a creepy sex scene with Stan's parents and, of course, the most vile and dirty porno ever made, Back Door Sluts 9. I loved the shot for shot recreations of some of the best LOTR scenes, including the elf council and the scene when the hobbits hide under the tree.

Season 7:

703 - TOILET PAPER
This episode came in a long line of crime-solving episodes which I call The Cop Drama Collection. First was "Chickenlover" then came this one and next was "Lil' Crime Stoppers" with a few crime related episodes in the middle somewhere. This was a great episode even if you only look at the scene where Cartman is killing Kyle with a wiffle bat on the pond as Godfather-like music plays in the background. It reminds me of the 1940s classic noir film Double Indemnity, except about TP-ing a house instead of murder.

704 - CANCELLED
There are two scenes that lead me to add this episode to the list. The first is the scene with Jeff Goldblum trying to figure out the alien code on a train of thought that takes us from butt sex to the Chupacabra before finally arriving at the realization that the Earth reality show has been cancelled. The second awesome scene is when the two galactic network execs get a hooker and some cocaine and end up giving each other alien blowjobs. Self-reflexive episodes are my favorite and this managed to take a whole new look at the first episode.

705 - FAT BUTT AND PANCAKE HEAD
Aside from all the great jokes about Jennifer Lopez, this episode also features Cartman jacking off Ben Affleck. How Comedy Central didn't make them cut that is beyond me. Still, my favorite scene is the ending where Ms. Jennifer Lopez (Cartman's hand) reveals herself to be Mitch Conner, an ex-con who's "just tired of running" before jumping off a bridge to his death. It's great because it's like this whole other B plot that just shows up out of nowhere.

706 - LIL' CRIME STOPPERS
Another amazing addition to the Cop Drama Collection, this episode featured the boys starting their own detective service. They got so good that they were made Jr. Detectives by the police. They bust a meth lab and expose a crime ring that involves two crooked cops... all this while clashing with the cliche police captain who reprimands them for their "shoot first ask questions later" methods. It's a perfect parody of so many cop movies and TV shows.

708 - SOUTH PARK IS GAY
Aside from making fun of the metrosexual trend and ripping on Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, this episode is legendary because it was the first time we saw crab people. Trey and Matt simply could not think of a third act for the show and opted to go with it all just being a plot by crab people to take over the earth. Now, every time they can't think of an ending, they reference crab people. It has become synonymous with being completely out of ideas.

711 - CASA BONITA
While people who don't know about Casa Bonita might not find this episode that funny, anyone who grew up around Denver will love it. I can remember when I was in school, every year we were promised a Spanish class trip to Casa Bonita and every year something would fall through at the last minute and we couldn't go. I finally got to go there a few months ago and it was just as cool as they said. I think I'd probably do exactly what Cartman did and risk being thrown in jail just to run through Casa Bonita for five minutes.

714 - RAISINS
This episode introduced us to some of my favorite new characters, the goth kids. What could be better than a bunch of suburban kids sitting around writing poems about pain? I love the way they called out goth kids for claiming they're not complete stereotypes while preaching that "the only way to be a nonconformist is to drink coffee and smoke cigarettes and listen to the same kind of music we do."

Season 8:

801 - GOOD TIMES WITH WEAPONS
In another anime-inspired episode, the boys purchase weapons from the far east and decide they are ninjas. They get carried away and Kenny ends up chucking a throwing star into Butters' eye. The ninja sequences are so great that I nearly forgot about the Janet Jackson nipple slip reference.

805 - YOU GOT F'ED IN THE A (OR YOU GUT F*CKED IN THE ASS)
Everyone can admit that You Got Served is stupid, so making fun of it here was great. While I liked Butters' dark past about the tap dance massacre, my favorite part was the "You do a line and I'll do a line" song that the duck danced to.

807 - THE JEFFERSONS
Everyone who knows me knows that I'm a Michael Jackson fan, but that didn't stop me from laughing by ass of at this episode. What I loved most was that Matt and Trey came up with some original jokes about MJ. Yeah, they made fun of his plastic surgery, but rather than just scream that he was a child molester, they attacked Jacko's parenting, saying that you can't keep trying to recreate your childhood once you have a child yourself.

809 - SOMETHING WALL-MART THIS WAY COMES
Instead of making a big political issue out of globalization, Trey and Matt made a Matrix-style haunted house out of Wal-Mart and showed it as an entity all its own. My favorite part is Randy pressing his body against the window as he stares at the store down the road, unable to control his desire of it's great bargains.

There are a lot of great episodes that I didn't put on the list, but only because the list was getting way, way too long. These are just some of the ones I've seen a zillion times or the ones I quote all the time. What are your favorite episodes?

Why I'm Starting to Love Dr. Will

2006-08-22T14:41:00.000-06:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fOo4IduWD7Y

Casa Bonita

2006-08-09T18:10:00.000-06:00

The other day, I had the pleasure of going to Casa Bonita in Denver for the first time ever. This was a monumental event in my life because, since I was a small child, I was promised school trips to Casa Bonita time after time only to have my hopes dashed at the last minute when we didn’t have enough parent chaperones or there wasn’t any funding left. My excitement was heightened still by the South Park episode about the restaurant. Now that I was 22, I was finally going to go.

We drove in heightened anticipation down Colfax through the sketchy neighborhood where Casa Bonita is located. It’s lodged in between cheap stores in the corner of a strip mall, but it’s majestic pink tower raises high above the shops like a homing beacon for those seeking the craziest experience Denver has to offer.

When we got inside, we passed through the long line to the area where you order your food--and I use the term “food” loosely. It really doesn’t matter what we ordered, we were there for the sopapillas and the experience. We got our trays of food and sat down at a table up near the stage where mariachis were playing. They finished and the show began. All the actors looked like they were probably drama geeks at local high schools who were doing this as their summer job. We were rather close to the stage, so we could really see the old raggedy costumes and wigs. The audio system had to be as ancient as the building because you couldn’t understand a word the kids were saying--not that it mattered, we just wanted to see someone do a cliff dive off the waterfall. Finally, we got to watch the dude in the taped-up gorilla costume throw the girl in the ratty blonde wig into the pool. Awesome! After that, they did a scene with Black Bart, who is also the gorilla and the cliff diver. He and the kid playing the sherif argued on the cliff and--you guessed it--he dove in. Even better!

We picked at our food and then gobbled down two plates of sopapillas before heading off to the other attractions. My favorite was Black Bart’s Cave because it was both claustrophobic and dangerous. We walked in the narrow opening (note to parents: don’t let your fat kids play in Black Bart’s Cave because they’ll definitely get stuck) and through the pitch black area. The floor was totally uneven and I was certain I’d fall flat on my face and knock my teeth out, thus ruining the otherwise stellar evening. I turned on my phone and used it for light as a precautionary measure. At one point, we passed a big hole in the wall where an arm was dangling down grabbing at people as they passed by. Naturally, we assumed it was a Casa Bonita employee, but as we turned the corner, we saw it was some teenage dude who was copping a feel off people as they passed. Black Barts cave was now claustrophobic, dangerous and creepy! This was truly the greatest attraction ever!

With Black Bart’s Cave behind us, we headed to the gift shop where we spent like Candy Spelling. After buying only the most corny of merchandise, we were ready to bid farewell to this magical place and return to our real lives. As we got in the car to head home, we knew that we had just visited a paradise of sorts and with a tear in our eyes and a cheesy strip mall in our rearview mirror, we headed home.

Hot Chicks With Douchebags

2006-08-06T01:28:00.000-06:00

If you haven't already heard of this site, you should check it out now. Lately, it seems that every douche guy on the internet has a picture of himself with some pretty girl that should not be hanging out with him. He's usually wearing a sideways trucker hat, shirtless and throwing up a hand gesture while the girl smiles for the camera beside him. You may have noticed this phenomenon yourself, but this dude has documented the trend in detail.

Check out the site at Hot Chicks With Douchebags

"What do you think you're looking at, sugar tits?"

2006-08-01T22:07:00.000-06:00

Check out the story here

Big Brother - Week 2

2006-07-20T15:03:00.000-06:00

Week 2 and already so much to talk about…

First, I must admit I was totally stoked when Kaysar won HoH. This entire time, the only person I really want to watch is him, and I was going to be so mad if he was the second one evicted. Nothing could have been better than for him to have total immunity.

Like most of you, I expected great things from Kaysar’s reign. I hoped for a great strategic move that would allow BB6 to rule the house for weeks to come. I hoped he would make a bold move and nominate Will and Mike “Boogie”, the two most annoying people ever to play the game. I figured this would be the most probably course of action because both those two douches had made it extremely clear that they were going after Kaysar. They want to be the stars of the show and their egos just can’t handle someone else being in the spotlight… but I’ll get to that later. I was constantly on the live feeds and Big Brother Chat (http://chat.bigbrotherchatter.com) trying to find out the inside scoop and get all the updates on what was going on in the house. Imagine my reaction when I found out that Kaysar, my absolute favorite and the one I had the highest hopes for, had not nominated the two biggest threats but instead, two harmless girls who were the only ones left in their pitiful alliance. Like the rest of BB6, I was totally disappointed. The move wasn’t strategic at all, it was a cop out, and that’s coming from someone who adores Kaysar.

Kaysar later explained to his infuriated team that he thought long and hard about what to do and decided upon the nominations without consulting them because he figured it was the best move. He said that he didn’t want to nominate Will and Boogie because if he was the person who got one of them out, it would make him a star of the house, the King of Big Brother. He was afraid that this kind of attention would make him an enormous target. While I understand not wanting to draw attention to yourself as a force to be reckoned with, sometimes you have to make bold moves for the good of the house and your team! Do you think Dorothy was afraid of becoming a target for the flying monkeys when she dropped the house on the wicked witch? Kaysar would have been a hero not only to his team, but to all the viewers who are increasingly annoyed with Will and Boogie’ s circle jerk. Alas, I feel like this is going to be one of those moves that comes back to haunt BB6 just like last year when Maggie manipulated Howie into nominating James and Sara, two members of his own alliance, as opposed to taking down the obnoxious Nerd Herd. I only hope BB6 can control the HoH position for another week, time enough to clean up this mess.

The other big controversy this week involves the Evil Doctor himself, Will Kirby. I don’t think I’m alone in saying that I feel a bit ripped off by Will’s in-house behavior. While Will wasn’t voted back into the house by viewers, much to his shock and horror I’d imagine, he was placed in the house as one of CBS’ picks. I’m sure the network, like most of us, expected the charming, sexy and manipulative Dr. Will of BB2. What we got was a puffy, pale, over-Botoxed, self-righteous, egomaniacal, aging and washed-up has-been of the former fan favorite. Who is the new Dr. Will and what has he done with the hottie we all knew and loved? Sure, Will had brief moments of humor, like when he told Kaysar he was the “Brad Pitt of Muslims”, but for the most part, I feel like this whole show is now CBS puckering up and kissing Will’s ass for no reason. He has made them his bitch. He makes diva demands at the drop of a hat, his sleazy diary room comments are vomit inducing, and he constantly sings, talks about prohibited content, or plugs his business endeavors just to sabotage the live feeds into dumping out to the oh-so-annoying fire shot. Perhaps it’s his way of taking revenge on viewers who didn’t vote him back in, but it’s gone beyond moderately annoying to down right malicious. That’s why I’ve decided to say, screw Dr. Will! I won’t watch feeds that he’s on or feeds where I can hear his voice. I won’t ever vote for him on the “Love ‘Em or Leave ‘Em” poll on the official website, and I just might start fast-forwarding through any of his diary room segments from now on.

My only hope now, seeing as Kaysar’s week is already at a close, is that whoever wins HoH tonight makes the right decision and nominated horrible Dr. Will and his fugly flunky Boogie for eviction. They’re aging has-beens who have no place in a game with superstars like Janelle and Kaysar. While I can’t be sure if anyone else has the guts to do it, I know Janelle and James would be willing to eliminate this irritating duo. That’s my optimistic prediction for next week: either James or Janelle as HoH and Boogie and Will on the block. It really doesn’t matter which one goes at this point, just as long as one of the members of “Chill Town” (the name alone makes me puke) is gone next Thursday.

Big Brother 7 - Episode 1: The Phantom Menace

2006-07-09T13:07:00.000-06:00

The BB7 season is upon us and I bring you my opinion of this season's heroes and villains. Though there has only been one show so far, I've been fanatically watching the live internet feeds... And here's my opinion so far. Who's stock has soared, and who's has plummeted?

THE GOOD GUYS
Janelle- This 'buxom blonde' has proven that she's as tough as she is gorgeous winning competition after competition. Though it's not officially been spoken, she's the leader of the BB6 alliance this season and sits opposed to the evil doctor as one of the strongest players in the house.

Jase- Can a man transition from a shirtless douche bag into a likeable class clown? Jase proved that the answer is a resounding yes with his 'lay low' strategy and smart-ass quips that rival even the evil doctor's wit. Many are left wondering when the real Jase will come out... Because no one can change THAT much!

Danielle- I never thought I'd see the day when I actually hope that this master manipulator DOESN'T get evicted. She should stay because she poses no immediate threat, but also because she makes for good feeds with the way she can pull personal information out of the house guests without them realizing. Just look at the conversation she had with Kaysar as she got him to open up about women, his family and even a Yanni concert.

Kaysar- You know I couldn't do one of these lists without giving props to my boy! He's looking fine and playing his cards close this season, a good move in this ego pageant. By not intentionally stealing the spotlight, he keeps the house from viewing him as a threat and hopefully that will keep him in the game for longer than last year.

THE BAD GUYS
Mike 'Boogie'- Not only is Boogie an aging star wannabe, but he and Will believe they control the show, the live feeds, the viewers, and the network. It will be a pleasure watching BB6 burst his little ego bubble!

Dr. Will- The man who came into the game as a legend will probably leave with the reputation of D-list reality diva. Will's 'us vs the viewers' attitude grew old fast as he intentionally sabotaged the live feeds and paraded around like lord of the manor. With all the trash he talks about BB, one can't help but wonder why he signed up for another season. I half expect him to pull a Jeri Manthey and split before the show's over just as the notorious Survivor villain did at their infamous All-Star reunion show.

Dianne- We all know Alison's evil, but we weren't sure about Dianne until she joined forces with the devil herself. The worst part about Dianne is her constant transparent attempts to seem confident. How many times has she said that she isn't going to fall for Will or that she isn't jealous of Janie? Viewers are left thinking, 'that's right, keep telling yourself that and maybe someday it'll come true.' Dianne was strong on her season, but she'll leave this house looking like a pathetic groopy.

Howie- It pains me to say this, but Hurricane Howie seems to be wearing out his welcome. No matter which feed you watch, you can always hear Howie's loud repetitive jokes in the background. He follows Will around like a puppy and is too easily swayed by the line of lies the D-listers feed him. While I hope BB6 stays together, look for Howie to be the first one targeted when things get ugly.

That's it for now, but be sure to tune in to Big Brother tonight and every Sunday, Tuesday and Thursday to see if you agree with my opinions and predictions.

More on Big Brother:
http://trashwire.com/bb7.html

or my Big Brother Blog
http://bb7all-stars.blogspot.com

Big Brother 7 All-Stars! Alexis' Guilty Pleasure of the Summer

2006-06-21T21:29:00.000-06:00

My absolute favorite guilty pleasure is back! Big Brother is back on the air tonight. This season should be especially great for me because it’s an All-Star season of past cast members. I have watched every episode of Big Brother since season one, back when me and two other people were the only ones watching. Since then, I’ve watched the ratings grow and the rules change. Now America decides who competes. We have 20 former Houseguests to choose from including 5 from last season alone! I thought I’d list who I predict will be chosen and why.

Dr. Will - season 2 winner – Not only was Will hot (Orlando Bloom crossed with Adam Brody and Ron Livingston), but he played a great game. He managed to lie to every single person in the house and was nominated nearly every single time and he still won the game. He is built to play on Big Brother. It will definitely be a great summer with Will back in the game!

Marcellas – season 3 favorite – Marcellas was probably the most likeable cast member in history. He was charming and charismatic, funny, sweet, and told amazing stories. He was made for television. It was a complete tragedy when he unselfishly decided not to use the Veto to save himself and was subsequently voted out. He will be a great identification point for the audience, but that might also make him a big target in the game.

Kaysar – season 6 fan favorite – Even typing Kaysar’s name is hot! No cast member has ever been hotter than this sexy smart Iraqi. He will go down in history as one of the most popular cast members of all time. In fact, people were so outraged upon his eviction by that horrible “Friend Sheep” group that CBS let America vote him back into the house by an overwhelming 82%! Unfortunately for us, this might make him a major target when he gets back into the game this season.

Janelle – season 6 buxom blonde – Janie and Kaysar were like the Brangelina of the Big Brother house. They were hot and smart and played the hell out of the game. They formed an unlikely friendship and managed to torture the Friend Sheep for weeks on end! What was best about Janie was that she was a team player 100%. The two times Kaysar got voted out, she was there to take vengeance on the annoying jerks who did it.

Howie – season 6 Jedi master – Howie may not have been the smartest guy in the house that season, or the best looking, but Howie had personality to spare. He was hilarious and sweet at the same time as being offensive and chauvinistic, truly an accomplishment. His Star Wars analogies reminded you of a classic nerd, but the way he taunted Busto (AKA April) was more like the smart-ass jock at your high school. Howie could go far in this game because people frequently underestimate him.

James – season 6 master manipulator – While James’ strategy was essentially the same as Dr. Will’s, he would make a great adversary to the Evil Doctor this time around. There can only be one King of the Liars and it would be so fun to watch them battle it out.

Jase – season 5 “man-dana” wearing monkey boy – Jase was loud and obnoxious and completely annoying, but for some reason he was able to stay on the audience’s good side because he was also funny. While a lot of his humor seemed unintentional, his weird behavior and diary room clips were incredibly amusing. In the end, it was great to watch Jase get exactly what was coming to him in one of the greatest reveals of BB history. When he discovered that the girl he’d just been screaming at was actually a set of twins who had been playing the game as one person, the look on his face was just like the Mastercard commercials… priceless.

Nakomis – season 5 genius – Nakomis came into the house as the goth kid outcast and managed to get everyone on her side because of her careful planning and strategizing. She is most well known as the inventor of the “Six Finger Plan”, something that is attempted, but never successfully pulled off, by contestants to this day. In this plan, she nominated two of her own people ensuring that her side would win the Veto, then the actual target would have no way of getting off the chopping block once evictions came. While her outward style might not fit in, I could see her aligning with Kaysar’s group and playing a smart game all the way to the end.

Alison – season 4 runner up and uber bitch – It hurts me to say it, but I think America won’t be able to resist watching this horrible Tanya Harding wannabe club her way to the top once again. While there’s no way I can bring myself to voting for her, I know people will want to see how she’ll interact with smart guys who won’t fall for her creepy seduction like Kaysar and Will. I wouldn’t count on her making it very far because everyone knows her game.

Mike “Boogie” – season 2 douche and media whore – In case you didn’t know, and haven’t heard him say it a million times, Mike is a friend and business partner of Aston Kutcher. While he apparently has a fan base, Mike always rubbed me the wrong way because of his enormous ego. The real star of season 2 was Will and everyone knows that, everyone except for Mike.

Lisa – season 3 winner – Lisa was the only player to ever play a fair game and win the $500,000. She was beautiful, smart, and always sweet. She managed to fly under the radar, even when she was the one nominating people for eviction. If she plays the same kind of game, Lisa could get far in this game, but because she’s already won, America might not let her enter the house again.

Dianne – season 5 tough girl – Little diminutive Dianne could go head to head with the vapid guys on the show and she could take down the girls too. She didn’t take crap, and that was something great, but in the end, she got played… by her own boyfriend! This left us all wondering if it was really strategy that got her so far, or just dumb luck. She’d be a bit of a wildcard and it would be nice to see if she could stir things up this season.

While these are just my predictions, my hope is that Kaysar and Dr. Will will get voted back in and that one of the two will win. That seems very doubtful seeing as everyone knows they’re good players, and that’ll make them easy targets in the house.

If you read this blog, and even if you’ve never seen Big Brother before, go to CBS.com to vote for one of the people in red above and be sure to watch this season starting July 6th on CBS!

Washington Prom

2006-05-05T12:47:00.000-06:00

As many of you know, I recently attended the White House Correspondents’ Association Dinner here in DC. It was one of the best moments of my life and I’ve decided to start doing it every year.

Last year, I met Trey Parker. That was, and will probably forever remain, the single best moment of my entire life. It was the realization of a dream I’d had for so many years. I think, of all the people alive today, Trey Parker (and Matt Stone) and Larry David are probably the funniest. I respect humor above all things, and that’s why Trey was such a hero to me for so long.

Before, I had always just hung out in the lobby before everything started to see everyone arrive. But at this year’s event, I attended the pre-dinner parties for the first time.

The year, the dubious honor of being my favorite person at the event goes to another Colorado boy, American Idol hottie, Ace Young.

I know a lot of you thought I’d say that the greatest moment this year was meeting George Clooney, and believe me that was like a 9.8 on the scale of awesome stuff. The only problem with meeting Clooney was that there was simply no time to chat. He was infinitely excellent for the few brief moments I did talk to him, but it was only a short handful of sentences.

I liked talking to Ace because of the cool familiarity I had with him and the bond we shared talking about middle schools, high schools, and growing up in Boulder. I have no idea why, but it’s so weird to me to realize that there’s a whole town of people who grew up with the same sort of experiences as me. I remember Crossroads Mall, Boulder High vs. Fairview football games, eating at Pasta Jay’s, and so many other weird Boulder things that I was sure only a tiny group of people I knew shared with me. I felt this same weird surge of familiarity when I was talking to Trey last year about CU and Boulder stuff.

On top of having the cool Boulder connection with Ace, it was fun to talk to him because he is just so damn hot. His gorgeous eyes just sparkle and his smile is so sexy. I could never resist talking to someone who looked like that AND came from Boulder too!

I was never a big Idol fan before this, but suddenly I find myself Googling him and trying to find clips of his past performances on YouTube like some 13-year-old middle school girl! The worst part is I know how much my friends will, and frequently do rip on me for this. And they should, I’m ripe for ridicule. My taste in guys this year has been so all over the charts that people would think I have multiple personalities. I won’t name any names, but so far I’ve had little crushes on a dancer, a film geek, a communist, and now an American Idol contestant. Clearly, I’m losing my mind.

Regardless of my weird taste in men these days, I had a ton of fun at “Washington Prom” as people call it here. It was the perfect end to my senior year… hmmm, maybe that’s why I feel like a giggling high school girl.

For more info about Trashwire at the White House Correspondents' Association Dinner (including more pictures, my play-by-play of the parties, and clips of Stephen Colbert's roast) please click HERE .

Flaming Globes of Zigmond

2006-04-21T17:24:00.000-06:00

The best Larry David cameo in Seinfeld history

Snakes on a Plane

2006-03-22T13:12:00.000-07:00

"Enough is enough! I've had it with these snakes!"

Get your copy of the player here

Yup, it's real.

http://www.tagworld.com/snakesonaplane

Fox Five Quote of the Day

2006-02-15T15:57:00.000-07:00

"When asked about hygiene, one child told a state official recently, he washes himself with a bar of soap and a sock because nobody will give him a washcloth."
-Fox Five News

Another great headline

2006-02-12T20:28:00.000-07:00

"Police are looking for four inmates on the loose. Last night they overpowered a jail guard using warm, soapy water."
--Fox 5 News

I hate to state the obvious here, but I'd love to know how you overpower someone with warm, soapy water.

Trashwire Updates

2006-02-08T16:15:00.000-07:00

Trashwire.com was just updated with new content.

LaTaviya weighs in on choosing between YouTube and iFilm for all your internet video needs.

Dicky Cockerson's Spider Man 2 review is also back, and he has promised us a new review very soon.

So head on over to Trashwire to read all the new stuff.

Trashwire Updates

2006-02-07T18:47:00.000-07:00

We have added most of our Trashwire videos to iFilm. All of them are still available on YouTube, which is actually better in my opinion.

Dicky Cockerson's Spider Man 2 review is back at trashwire.com and we have added him, once again, as a featured writer. Dicky has promised us a new review very soon... but you know how Dicky do.

Trashwire clothing is also ready to order in a variety of designs. Head on over to our clothing page to check it out.